Sometimes knowing better does not always equal doing better.

I’m coming off of a tough week parenting and as I sit here typing I’m exhausted. And not just the physical kind; I’m talking true mental exhaustion where you end up daydreaming things that aren’t truly you. For me my thoughts have drifted towards wondering if I can really do this…motherhood. This thought kills me because being a mom is not something I’ve taken lightly. I fought my way through postpartum depression and once I reached the other side I assumed things would be different. And they were for awhile. But that was before. Before toddlerhood and diagnosis’ and two kids going through difficult phases at the same time.

This week wasn’t anything significant as far as my kids actions’.  It was the typical tantrum filled days of spills, attitudes, school, work and etc. But I think these days would be tough for any mom or dad that hadn’t checked their heart before their feet hit the floor on a Monday morning. Excuse my church phrase, “check your heart.” I can’t seem to think of a better instruction. I am referring to self-awareness. It is being self-aware enough to know that I hadn’t read my Bible in weeks or journaled or just simply took a few hours to be quiet and examine within. Everyone runs out of steam eventually. We can’t all run on coffee, good intentions or…ourselves.

And heres the thing: I know better. I know I can’t withstand this season of little ones without taking care of myself. But if I know this then why did I wait so long to come up for air? Probably because I want to be perfect. I want to get it right the first time and when I fail then I wonder if I’m cut out for it at all. I keep thinking today will be different, today I’ll keep my patience and Knox will obey the first time.  Today we’ll make pinterest crafts and laugh at how easy life is while we sip apple juice without lids.

But that “today” never came because life isn’t like that. God never promised a life of ease. He promised that it would be hard and that He could overcome it.  So the way I see it grace is the only way outta here. Grace for your kids and grace for yourselves. I’m not going to get it right everyday and I’m certainly not going to thrive if I don’t remember to stop and take a deep breath.  I truly believe that resting and taking care of yourself in whichever way that fills you up is necessary.  Today I drove around and listened to music and asked God to sit with me awhile. Insert praise hands emoji.

I know I’m supposed to be a Mom and I love those babies with a fierce love.  I don’t know how to love without the fiercest of love loving me first.

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Cor. 13:7-8