Last week my little boy lost his ability to make enough insulin to keep his body functioning properly. The ER doctors were quite nonchalant in their diabetes diagnosis ten minutes after arrival. An IV of insulin was given and a tiny wheelchair came to take us to our new inpatient room. My baby is only three years old.

Lots of things happen to me when crisis presents itself. Unfortunately none of them are good. In fact I am often teased for my ability to system down and stare off into the distance when something bad happens. Jeff usually has to snap his fingers and give me instructions in order to come to. But this time no instructions were given. Big life changes can happen on a dime as the old saying goes and there isn’t time for preparation. So what do we do? And as a believer in a good God what do you do when the bad thing happens that you always believed happened to other people happens to you?

For me, as I stated above, it wasn’t great. My heart broke and I couldn’t stop crying. Doctors, nurses and diabetes educators often gave me pity looks as I tried to absorb their information. It all just felt like too much and my arms were stiffly outstretched motioning NO! Knox already had trials to overcome with physical and occupational therapy and now this too?! And me as a mom already had mental health issues of anxiety and depression. I was a mess, losing weight, not eating, and a chest full of ants. What kind of combo did God think Knox and I could be for his kingdom? It all just sucked and I know “suck” is an immature word. But I felt immature and scared.

A close friend of mine who has walked the chronic sick child road, with a far worse diagnosis than ours, quickly reminded me that yes I could do it and that yes God had chosen me to be Knox’s mom. I have sat with that reminder since we were discharged and wondered what God was up to. At first glance it seems like a hard storyline that God is writing and I think as humans it’s ok to tell God this is hard and no thank you. He’s okay with that.

The next part is the biggest part we have to play. It’s the part where you choose to trust when it’s the darkest outside and inside. When you can’t see where the road curves and it would be easier to turn back or just sit down and hang your head. This is where I am currently camping out. Listening to encouraging music, being raw and honest with my people, praying and asking God to be louder than the anxiety and attempting to stand up when all I want to do is sit down.

I think we have to ask God for a new lens when we look at our mess. I think we HAVE to believe that there is another storyline at play and it’s bigger and not always something we’re allowed to see or read yet. And my God, it’s hard to live with this lens but choosing to believe must also coincide with choosing to trust. God has given me the following verse and I pray it wraps around your heart as it has mine.

Love, Kate

“Forget the former things;

   do not dwell on the past.

  See, I am doing a new thing!

   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

  I am making a way in the wilderness

   and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19