I don’t like my new normal as a diabetic parent. I miss last year when I wasn’t counting goldfish and instead doling out snacks like it was nothing.  I miss not wondering if Knox exercised too hard and therefore would have a low blood sugar in a few hours. I hate the sounds of beeps in my house as the glucose monitors shout at us about lows and highs. I hate lying to Knox when I have to give him a shot about how it won’t hurt this time.  And I hate that I can’t truly explain to him yet what is wrong with his body. I can only say this shot will make you feel better and keep you from getting sick.  And his little eyes wonder what sick is because to him his nose isn’t running and the thermometer didn’t reveal red. So no, I do not like my normal. Not for one second.

I also don’t think I understand what the stress has truly done to me, well except my weight…that I can see just fine. And all the while I am hard on myself of what I am not achieving in my days; never stopping once to listen to the small voice inside.  The tiny gentle nudge of a voice that whispers, ” I see you.”  And isn’t that we what we all want? We want to be seen and heard. We want to throw aside our responsibilities for a tiny minute and yell, ” Not Today!”  Today, I stay in bed and rest. Today I don’t worry. Today will be different. But then it isn’t different and we wonder what the spirit means when he asks us to rest in him.

I can’t rest, I have to keep a child alive!  But there’s that voice again, “I’m bigger than this and I see you.” So what now? Now we steal a tiny moment and close our eyes. Is it in the pantry? Or maybe it’s at a red light for a fleeting moment. Our lids close and we barely whisper, “I can’t, you can.” That’s all. That simple.

My new normal isn’t stellar and perhaps your life is in my same boat as well.  I may never meet you to encourage you or hear your story. But if I could I would say, “yes this sucks but God is so much bigger and if something could be bigger than the weight of my story then I’m wrapping my strength in that.”

Love you, Kate