I’m not sure I could have have fully grasped what was ahead if God had allowed me to peak behind the curtain of parenting. I only know 5 years in that peaking would have hindered my grueling process of learning to trust God with a spectacular kid and some very specific needs.

In the beginning of my journey I had a baby that didn’t have full neck control or range of movement like other growing babies. This led to tests and physical therapy that eventually ended in graduation and better neck movement. But a year later we noticed growing agitation and feeding issues as well as more physical struggles in range of motion. So off we went back to therapy where we added occupational therapy for something called Sensory Processing Disorder. A disorder I had zero knowledge of…and thus began our journey of understanding an adorable little boy who experienced the world a little bit different than us.

Since our first foray into therapy things have changed a lot for my son and our family. We’ve had seasons of positive growth and celebration with honestly little struggle. But we’ve also had very low seasons where I wasn’t sure therapy could keep up with Knox’s changing brain and constant struggles. Tiny steps in the right direction didn’t amount to much when I felt like he was bolting backwards and regressing into old behaviors.

Selfishly I wanted to lay in the bed during these times because it all just felt like too much. Why did God ask me to parent a child that needed something I didn’t know I could give? Did I mention during these toddler years that Knox was also diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes as well? Are you serious God? You want a child that deals with sensory sensitivities to become a-ok with needles? Too Much Folks!

But in rare silent moments where I know God quieted my heart he would remind me that he did in fact have my son under his wing. That he understood meltdowns, therapies, insurance, needles, and the future. And that he also knew I couldn’t do it alone but that through HIM I would be equipped to be Knox’s mom and advocate. I truly believe trials let you experience God in special ways and while no one would ever choose struggle for their child I am glad that I’ve gotten to see a few miracles along the way.

It is not easy by any means. And to be honest, we are in a low season now but God’s grace always abounds. And my prayer is that it will abound more than the anxiety and fear. And that I’ll remember his control and love over one spectacular kid that I get to call mine.